Monday, May 23, 2005

Dave Matthews Band Release More Crap

Casey Dorrell

I think the main thing that bothers me about Dave Matthews Band, other than the way they sound, is the fact that they seem to release another live album every 4 months. Yeah, yeah, they do it for the fans.

The adoring fans have said to Dave, "Mr. Matthews, could you please release 15 dollar live albums as often as possible? And please, don't release them for free via the internet - it just wouldn't be right, we love you so!"

But Matthews still was not happy. He released more and more live albums, but his disquiet grew unabated. Soon he stopped sleeping altogether. His bandmates tried to console him, but it was no use. Finally it came to a head while travelling on the tour bus one year ago. "My fans are so great! They deserve the best to make them elate. Which we do, of course, offer them but it's just not enough. We must give them more - more things, more stuff!"

DMB - Everyday with Suess Hat
It All Seemed Terribly Obvious in Retrospect

"What about an intimate live recording?" Boyd suggested.

"No, no! This will not do, we've been known for that since our very debut! We've done it already, again and again. We must give them something more, but what and when?"

His bandmates shifted uncomfortably - they were used to the rhyming, a result of his insomnia, but his ideas just didn't make sense. Without jamming, what else could Dave Matthew's Band do?

It was too much for Leroi, "All the kids today listen to bad rap, and if you're wrong if you think I'll stoop to making that crap."

"That's it, you've got it! That's just what we'll do - we'll give 'em shit, we'll give 'em pooh," squealed Matthews in delight.

"Um?"

"Don't you see?" Matthews gestured wildly, "We've got to appease the old and attract the young - and now I know just how it's got to be done. How will we attract the younger Jackass age-group? Why it's just so obvious, we'll give them all poop!"

With that, he leapt up to the bridge-travelling bus's feces controls, releasing a special present to the tourist boat below.

Matthews Sporting an ever larger hat
Each Successive Hat Was Larger Than the One Before . . .

If you've somehow somehow missed the story, DMB's bus driver dumped the band's sewage over the Kinzie street Bridge in Chicago last August. The sewage hit about 120 tourists that were right below on a boat. The driver was eventually fined $10, 000 while the band, who had donated $50,000 to Friends of the Chicago River and $50,000 to the Chicago Park District, settled the civil case out of court at an additional cost of $200, 000 a few weeks ago.

Despite this, the band continues unabatted, having just released more crap to the public in form of a studio album, "Stand Up".

Related:
WGAR - War by Generalissimo, Antimusic Revolution!

Download (If you really must):
Dave Matthews Band - Bartender (Live in Madison Square Garden, 2002)
Dave Matthews Band - What You Are (Live in Madison Square Garden, 2002)
Dave Matthews Band - Recently (Live, '95)
Dave Matthews Band - Riders on the Storm (Live Doors cover)
Dave Matthews Band - The Maker
The Grinch - Welcome Christmas

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